Once inside, I broke the news to my roommate. She had met Megan the previous July when Megan came and stayed with us for our birthdays; we were 5 days apart, I was the baby. My roommate gave me the much needed hug that I longed for. Not that it helped that much, but at least I didn't feel as alone anymore.
I locked myself in my bedroom and waited. Thinking and waiting. Two things that don't go well together. Waiting for more information. More details. More understanding. Something that would make everything feel right. None of this came, except more information. I got a few more calls and then the sympathy started rolling in. Texts, calls, messages, emails. People seeing if I was okay, letting me know they're there; people who genuinely cared and some just looking for details to gossip about. It was overwhelming. I needed to get out of there. So I did what I do best when I have a problem...I ran away.
I threw some clothes in a bag, grabbed my phone charger, and jumped in my car. All I wanted to do was drive until it all made sense, so to Vegas I went. I talked to a few friends on the phone while I made the long drive there. About half an hour outside Vegas, I finally reached KC and told him what was going on. At this point in our relationship, we'd only been together for 8 months and he had just got back from Germany 2 months prior. He had met Megan the previous July as well.
Once I got there, he welcomed me with open arms and a shoulder to cry on. He was there without being pushy or expecting my to "talk" about it. He really made that weekend bearable; not sure what I would have done without him.
The funeral was set for Tuesday. I knew I had to be there. Not only for myself and Megan, but for her family. My boss was amazing, yet again, and told me to take as much time as I needed, so I could go to the services. Sunday morning, I drove back to Phoenix, packed another bag, and got on a flight to Indiana that night. The closer we got to landing, the harder it was to hold back the tears.
The next three days were a blur. Although I remember every detail, from getting off the plane to meet my parents, the quite drive home, the visitation, the funeral, to flying back home on Wednesday, it's difficult to put it all into words. The sadness...the grief that overtook me was almost unbearable. The tears I couldn't hold back, the emotions I had never experienced before. It was total shock.
That first moment when you walk into that room and see your best friend lying in a casket...there aren't words. But I can still see her; what she was wearing, how her hair laid perfectly over her shoulders, her face so relaxed and peaceful. You don't forget something like that. We were 23. We weren't supposed to be here. I shouldn't be burying my best friend. This wasn't how life was supposed to happen. We had plans, we had dreams. I just wanted to wake up, for this to all be some horrible nightmare.
I didn't wake up. In fact, I barely slept for the next 3 or 4 weeks. I didn't really notice it until one day at work, about 2 weeks later, when my boss asked me when the last time I slept more than 4 hours was. I looked at him and simply replied, "January 10th".
Now, 2 years later, as I sit here and think about all of this, it seems like just a couple months ago. I have no idea how 2 years have already passed. But I do know it hasn't been easy. There's a piece of myself missing and the hurt doesn't go away; you just learn to live with it. There are still times when I pick up my phone to text Megan; when something happens in my life and my first instinct is to call and tell her, or call and get her opinion on something. There are still times when little things remind me of her and bring tears to my eyes. Life is harder without your best friend...
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| The last time I saw Megan :( |
xoxo
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